Wisconsin Exclusive!

Nowhere but WI has this kind of cuteness.

I’ve been working for the last 9 months to come up with a solution to my homesickness and I think I’m finally there. I just need to get the part of Oregon I miss most to move here. Problem solved.

My latest project is to convince my friends and family to move to Wisconsin. I might’ve shot myself in the foot a little because the first 9 months here have been a little rough. I really miss home. To be fair, it’s not Wisconsin’s fault. Unfortunately it will simply never be my favorite place, because it will never be Oregon. It will always be the place I moved to when I left my home. And boy can I carry a long and unreasonable grudge.

And yet…you should move here. I swear, it’s obviously superior to where you live. Christina, I’m looking at you. Your state is about to halfway fall into the ocean whenever that Cascadia quake occurs. Get out while your real estate is still hot! Move to the superior state of Wisconsin, which is so superior it even has a lake – A Great Lake! called “Superior.” As if it needed selling, it is both Great and Superior. Argue with that, my friend.

Also a WI exclusive.

Yes, as you pointed out, the state motto is a little dull and also vague. “Forward.” An undesirable trait in a person, a direction one might pursue right off a cliff, the most obvious and least creative position on a soccer team. What are we describing, Wisconsin?  Seriously lackluster when compared to Oregon’s “she flies with her own wings.” Forward. Ho hum.

The state was, however, previously home to some pretty fascinating native culture that left behind artistically-shaped and enormous mounds. The PNW has petroglyphs but you know, some Christmas Valley yokel could’ve easily crayoned those in the night before the archeologists showed up. Just how do you establish the provenance of those scrawlings? But a giant mound? I’ll grant you that people can do some pretty amazing things in one night – crop circles, for instance – but they can’t make grass grow on a mound they just built. Even an archeologist or anthropologist  (you should know!) would he capable of recognizing fresh-laid sod. These are legit.

Subsequent to those skilled natives the state was settled by the French, and I challenge you to identify a more superior civilization than the one that created both French onion soup and the eclair.  Mmm…eclair…which brings us to Eau Claire, home of the Paul Bunyan logging museum. I haven’t visited it yet but I’m sure it’s better than any PNW logging museum, because I’ve been to lots of those (zzzzzzz).

You, too, could take classic photos of your stunningly gorgeous children with antique farm equipment. Ha ha – no, you’re right – only my children are this stunningly gorgeous. You could try tho.

Also tornadoes. Yes, I know we lost a couple Willamette valley pole barns to a tornado or two, but not like out here. We have actual storm chasers, which must mean there are chaseable storms available. I haven’t seen one yet but as Agent Mulder used to say, I want to believe.

Finally, Wisconsin’s chief trademark product, cheese, is clearly so superior to what the PNW produces that the famous Oregon dairy factory – the Tillamook Creamery itself – gets Wisconsin cheese and passes it off as it’s own! If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, what does it mean to steal something and pass it off as your own? A clear admission that your own product will forever be substandard and you’re just surrendering right now. Which is what you need to do, Oregonians and Washingtonians. Give it up, get out, and move Forward with your own wings. You’ll never beat Wisconsin.

Wisconsin Says “Hold My Beer.”

☦Does Wisconsin have anything comparable to Oregon’s diverse offerings? Remains to be seen.  Indeed, I have spent 37 years or so seeing what makes Oregon special.  Hopefully Christina’s last post, an ode to the Beaver State, makes you glad you are staying here – even if it makes us cry a little about leaving.

But there must be something great about Wisconsin to draw us away from this emerald paradise! So here’s what we think we are going to like.

1. Political diversity (or schizophrenia). Wisconsin is the birthplace of the Republican Party (Ripon, WI), which at its inception was the party of abolition. It also gave us Republican Senator Joe McCarthy and Republican governor Scott Walker, of controversial fame, but wasn’t once taken by a Republican presidential candidate between 1988 and 2016. It also originated workman’s compensation and unemployment compensation back in the early 20th century when it was still a Republican-led state, and repealed prohibition 4 years before the rest of the country (and the 21st amendment was authored by a Wisconsin Senator).  Now when you think “Republican Wisconsin,” you think “welfare reform movement.” Insert argument here about how the Republican Party ain’t what it used to be. In any case, most sources agree that the partisan competition here is fierce.

2. A state that actually calls itself “America’s Dairyland.” Cheese, ice cream, lattes, yogurt – that’s basically my diet in a nutshell. Also the ice cream sundae was invented there in 1881. Wisconsin statute 97.18 prohibits passing off margarine as butter in a restaurant.  I’m going to like it here. Oooo – also, beer. Come on you guys. Ice cream and beer. Why are we all still Oregonians?

3. A 9-day hunting season that amounts to a statewide holiday. Kids are out of school, people take off work, families go out to fill the freezer together. Ain’t that nice?

4. Cost of living. We just sold our 1300 sqft house for $290,000. In rural Wisconsin, just half an hour from our church – so not quite in no-man’s land – we can buy a 2400 sqft house on 40 acres for that. And it’s not the House on Haunted Hill, either.

5. The Great Lakes. Actually, there’s only one thing I’m really interested in there – the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. That great song was the earworm of my childhood. But apparently the Great Lakes have a lot to offer. Incidentally, while we worry about earthquake-induced tsunamis here in Oregon, did you know I’m not in the clear on the shores of Lake Superior? Pressure from storms on the opposite side of the lake have been known to create a 20-minute long outward flow of tide, and a 5 foot inward surge – more than enough to drown swimmers and beachcombers.

6. State instrument: accordion. State dance: polka.

Game, set and match, Oregon.